# You ARE going to laugh - Texas Chili Cookoff



## mmmarvel (Mar 14, 2012)

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It

takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff?! You could remove dried

paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope

that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite, Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or

other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me

anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.

At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,

passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really

hot chili?

Hope y'all laughed as hard as I did.


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## north star (Mar 14, 2012)

*=*

Thanks mmmarvel!.......I haven't stopped laughing!......I have already

emptied out all of the coffee I was drinking, through my nose and

my eyes are filled with tears fom laughing so hard.

This story is so funny that it actually hurts when I laugh!   :lol:

*=*


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## Codegeek (Mar 14, 2012)

Thanks for the chuckle!


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## gbhammer (Mar 14, 2012)

I've read that at least a dozen times and every time tears come to my eyes.


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## Papio Bldg Dept (Mar 14, 2012)

thanks for the afternoon laugh...i will revisit this post in the fall.


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## gbhammer (Mar 14, 2012)

I sent this to my wife a few years ago and she could not begin to understand the humor, she said it has to be a guy thing.

I am a guy so forgive my ignorance, but shouldn’t this be funny for guys or girls?

I know my 6 yr. old daughter would laugh so hard we would have to tell her to keep breathing.

She has a bent sense of humor.

I told her she was witty the other day and she had to know all about wit.

Now I can watch the wheels turn in her little head when others think their being funny and I just know she wants to say something dry, smart***ed, and funny; but she holds it in. A learned response because most people just don’t get it. Shame.


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## brudgers (Mar 14, 2012)

At six, I hope you have introduced her to the greatest movie ever made.


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## Alias (Mar 14, 2012)

ROTFLMAO!

Should have this attached -

**WARNING, REFRAIN FROM DRINKING OR EATING WHILE PERUSING!**

Thanks mmmarvel for the afternoon humour.


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## gbhammer (Mar 14, 2012)

brudgers said:
			
		

> At six, I hope you have introduced her to the greatest movie ever made.


What the "The Bellboy"?


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## Papio Bldg Dept (Mar 14, 2012)

gbhammer said:
			
		

> What the "The Bellboy"?


I think he was referring to the Life of Brian?


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## north star (Mar 14, 2012)

*=*

Alias,

Shirley, you aren't actually rolling around on the floor, however,

this story is purdy danged funny, so maybe so!........Kudos to

" mmmarvel " for the submittal.       :agree



*&*


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## pwood (Mar 14, 2012)

first time i read it people were somewhat concerned that i was upset about something. i was red in the face and teary eyed from laughing so hard! it is a guy thing and sue thing too:mrgreen:


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## KZQuixote (Mar 14, 2012)

Truly a riot! I had never read it before. Had to pull my glasses and wipe my eyes for each entrant.

Thanks for posting it!

Bill


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## gbhammer (Mar 15, 2012)

Papio Bldg Dept said:
			
		

> I think he was referring to the Life of Brian?


No way will I let her see that till she's older.


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## gbhammer (Mar 15, 2012)

brudgers said:
			
		

> At six, I hope you have introduced her to the greatest movie ever made.


She did love Ground Hog Day, she thinks Bill Murray is very funny.


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## Papio Bldg Dept (Mar 15, 2012)

Maybe a more appropriate greatest movie of all time would be one in which the air spead of a laden swallow is discussed then?


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## gbhammer (Mar 15, 2012)

3-5 she loved scarry, now that she hangs with other girl children at school she has decided that blood, battles, and monsters are just not her cup of tea anymore. So she might watch up until there is a flesh wound or two.


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## Alias (Mar 16, 2012)

north star said:
			
		

> *=*Alias,
> 
> Shirley, you aren't actually rolling around on the floor, however,
> 
> ...


First time I read this a couple years ago I was laughing so hard I about fell out of my chair!   So, chair yes, floor no.:mrgreen:


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## GBrackins (Mar 16, 2012)

Papio,

African or European?


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## gbhammer (Mar 16, 2012)

GBrackins said:
			
		

> Papio,African or European?


I know an Angela Swallow (she may be European doubt African), I think her laden air spead would be poor may even go so far as to say nonexistent. Of course come to think of it know one I know has an air spead.


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